Why I have a blog...

There are two goals in mind for this blog:
1.In the style of Allie Brosh (hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com), I'm hoping that I can simply become famous before I graduate so I never have to decide on a real career.
2. Let's prove the "Six Degrees of Separation" theory right! If you like what I write, tell a friend, and have them tell a friend, until all the friends everywhere have been notified.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Miss Jean Louis

Miss Jean Louis- loyal servant to our populist overlord Misha Collins- has been our steady source of unhelpful riddles throughout 2016's round of GISHWHES.

A braver soul than all of us, Miss Jean Louis is full of important, rare, talents. We'll be discussing one of them today: the ultimate nanny.

Now, many consider Mary Poppins to be the epitome of nannydom. But, honestly, Jane and Michael were basically saints when compared to Misha. Somehow, Miss Jean Louis manages to keep him in line and keep all of us informed on the goings on of the behind the scenes world (all while still managing a life and a few charitable organizations on the side- nbd for someone who is clearly a time lord).

So, while each of us is humiliating ourselves in the name of charity (at least that's what we tell our parents) Miss Jean Louis is off doing what time lords do best: taking care of their companions while bemoaning the fact that it's really all their own fault that they're in the mess they are.

So, thanks, Miss Jean Louis, for helping us be successful (and keeping the item count under 200)!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I'm sorry Jesus!!!!

It occurred to me today that I have *never* missed posting in an August since I began this blog. Even though I only had one post in 2013 and only this one so far in 2014, I have always managed to write at least one post during the month of August. That being said, I would like to share a story from my days at the hotel (which ended a year and a half ago):

So, the holidays are really slow at my hotel. We mostly cater to a business crowd so they're all having terrific vacations with their families unlike those of us in the service industry.

Anyway, since it's slow, the computer has to entertain me for hours. Otherwise all there is for me to do is polish silverware and stemware and whatever-other-kinds-of-ware.

Feeling nostalgic, I began looking up some friends I haven't spoken to for a while on Facebook. See- this is what Facebook was created for. Keeping up with people who now live long distances from you.

That being said, I looked up this guy that I knew in high school. Junior year to be exact. That I definitely had a crush on.

Unfortunately, this guy was also studying to be a Catholic priest and was five years older than me.

Basically, I just bitched and moaned about how nothing would ever happen while my friends were all thinking that I'm an idiot. They were so, so right. Looking back, I probably would have shot me if I were them.

The last time I ever spoke to this guy, I was at Taco Bell. Long story short, I poked him with a straw. That was it. I just poked him with a straw and there was nothing more. I was feeling all elated that he chose to sit next to me after I sat away from him.

Apparently I should not have done that.

I later found out that he had decided to take a break from seminary, he had joined right after high school and wanted to make sure it was the right path for him.

It became a running joke that it was my fault he "turned from God." I admit, I always felt kind of bad because what if they were right?! (And if they were, dude! I was only a year away from being legal! Come on!)

Okay, now to the point of this post. I practically need to go to confession if it is "my fault" that he left the seminary.

...Because he now works at a bar, watches Family Guy, Death Note, FullMetal Alchemist, Battlestar Galactica, and Stargate SG-1.

He also listens to Lady Gaga.

Dear God: I apologize.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Small Talk

So funny story, at least I hope it's funny because I laughed an inappropriate amount while thinking it. Today at work (I have left the hotel to join the people of the light once again- goodbye forever night shift!), I was extremely hungry. I'm a bit stupid and forgot to bring a snack to tide me over lunchtime to when I get to go home and eat again.

Anyway, occasionally there's food just sort of sitting in our break room. It's a free-for-all and today I was much more excited to see food in there than I was on Monday. Monday there was week-old cake in the break room. If anyone who doesn't know me is reading this- I dislike cake. Frosting makes me gag and the texture is just...not to be discussed.

Today, though, today there were some muffins in there. Chocolate chip muffins to be exact. This is important information because I'm not just talking about bran muffins or something else that's only appropriate for breakfast- or better yet, never.

So, being of hungry stomach and drastically slowed down mind, I took one of these muffins back to my office.

There's only one problem- I actually share my office with another of my coworkers. So I'm sitting here sneaking bites of this muffin like I'm breaking the law or something. All to avoid one simple thing: small talk.

Because, sometimes, you just don't want to talk about the muffin you're eating.

Small talk revolving around what one is eating is the absolute worst! They'll be sitting there, making observations about your food and the fact that you're eating- possibly even asking you questions like "Oh is that blueberry?" or, god forbid, "Is it any good?"

And the whole time they're speaking at you, you're sitting there chewing, eyes like a deer's in headlights, wondering why the hell you thought you needed this muffin so badly that this penance escaped your mind when you grabbed it.

Anyway, my muffin is almost gone now. I've evaded an awkward conversation...for now.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

It just keeps getting better...not!

*Dusts off soapbox* Ahem.

Last year I decided to attempt and be an advocate for a few things that I feel fairly strongly about: people not giving a damn about other people, universal access to clean water, same-sex marriages, etc. Each of these issues is important to me and I would love to take my little soapbox all the way to D.C. to bitch at the people who are being so ignorant about all of it.

But today is a special day. Today I want to rant about legislation that directly affects me. To begin I want to say that I am not as well-educated on this subject as I am on the other issues I've discussed. I don't have a lot of pretty statistics to write down or any fancy and convincing quotations from experts. or anything like that. What I have is a brain and feelings, and I want to have those feelings heard- if only be the internet.

So, let's just get this sort of taken care of right here: I'm going to be ranting about all this extremely terrible legislation involving rape and abortion. And I'm fairly certain this is not going to be pretty.

When I first learned about rape I was told, repeatedly, that it was not about sex. It's about power and control. (Unfortunately for the second part of my ranting, it's still sex, but we'll get to that.) I'm not sure when the psychology of rape was lost on all these politicians, but it seems like they've never heard this concept. I get that some of them may be a little older than this being taught in schools- but why the hell aren't they researching this subject in depth?

Not to mention the biology of it- I know they learned about that. Or at least learned enough to know what sex is and what sex isn't. Unless they're just a bunch of virgins and can't admit it because they have four kids.

Now, what confuses me most about all of this hullabaloo is this idea of "legitimate rape."

Let me say that again: Legitimate. Rape.

As if somehow being raped isn't bad enough, now there's a question about whether or not it was legitimate. "Oh, I'm sorry, it appears your body had an involuntary reaction to this forced act, clearly that was a conscious decision on your part and you liked it.

Or, my favorite, "You were in an area, alone, at night, where you know there would be other people. Why do such a thing when you know something like this could happen?" "Why wear such a short skirt and a tube top unless you wanted some?"

I mean, what? Somehow you are responsible for things your body does, like...oh I don't know, yawning after seeing someone yawn. Sure there's a slight difference because yawning isn't traumatic, nor does it often bring out your fight or flight response. But still- the idea is the same. It's an involuntary response to a stimulus.

And this whole business about "asking for it"? What. The. Hell? Maybe someone, somewhere, has one of those domination kinks where something like this is desirable. But for the majority of us? Uncomfortable, humiliating, and all around demoralizing.

Yes, I'll have a side helping of "my life is shit" tonight. I really needed something truly horrible to happen to me to make everything else in my life look just that much worse.

I love when that happens, don't you? Somehow adding another crappy thing to my life makes everything okay. So of course I would encourage such a thing.

Barf. Just...barf.

And, finally, this whole thing where, if a woman is impregnated during rape it's not actually rape because "the body has natural defenses to stop itself from getting pregnant if it's rape."

Um...what? I think I smell something, and it's not formaldehyde because they clearly skipped biology.

Where do they get this information? Do they live in that world that Katie talks about in Horton Hears a Who where everyone eats rainbows and poops butterflies? Just...no.

Sorry, the body cannot somehow distinguish between forced ejaculate and....happy ejaculate. It's all sent into the body in the same way. A woman has the same chance of getting pregnant during rape that she does any other time sex happens.

There are a lot of things I partially understand. Hell even this new Arizona legislation I'm going to bitch about makes some sense.

What I don't understand, is why this kind of stuff exists in politics. To be so completely ignorant and just plain stupid should not be allowed in the public sphere- and certainly not out there making the laws that govern us. Keep your stupidity to yourself.

Which brings me to my next topic- this new law in Arizona that defines pregnancy as starting at the end of the previous menstrual cycle.

See, this almost makes sense to me. I get that the idea is that the ovum is technically beginning it's maturation. So the potential for life exists. I get it.

But...come on. Really? Unless that egg is fertilized that day, there's no potential for life. Honestly, even if the deal was that it was something ridiculous like "once conception has occurred the pregnancy is considered to have started the first time the female participated in coitus after the termination of the previous menstrual cycle." (Like how fancy that sounded?) See- then at least the potential for conception existed. Still stupid.

And all of this bureaucratic bullshit is focusing on one thing- abortion laws.

I'm not sure if I've said this on here, but I'm pro-choice with a very pro-life mentality. I don't want abortion to exist, I certainly don't want my taxes to go towards it, and I always hope that there's another option for those women to choose.

But God help you if you try to take that right away from women. Because as much as I don't want it to happen- those women are going to make that choice regardless and I want the safest possible environment for them and will defend them

It takes a lot of guts to go through with an abortion. Because every time they go into that clinic, people will insulting them, telling them they are horrible people, and generally making the whole situation even more stressful than it is by default. There's no reason that these protestors should be allowed anywhere near that building.

But this is America. And we're free to do shit like that.

One more time: This is America. Let's try and uphold those values we've been trying to- you know that whole freedom thing?

The most startling thing in all of this is that most of these legislators, the people making laws that affect women and their bodies and mental state, are men.

I honestly cannot think of anything more insulting and horrifying as a bunch of men who don't know basic biology and psychology making laws that affect woman where biology and psychology are important factors. 

So to these men who just want to "protect unborn lives," just...fuck off.  If you're so concerned with the global population go have sex with your wife and your five mistresses and leave the policy-making to someone who understands what they're talking about.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Reading...Or Something Along Those Lines

Alright, so I have a little ranty-rant that I've gone over about 20 times with people in real life, so here I am to bring it to the internet.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I'm usually not a reader, but..." since the horror that is Twilight was unleashed on the unsuspecting masses.

I was standing in a checkout line in Target a few years ago and this woman behind me had a copy of New Moon in her hands. It was the only item she was purchasing. I told her to go put it back before she regretted it.

Her response: "Well, I'm usually not a reader, but these books are really good! It only took me three days to finish the last one."

I imagine this is the mindset of most of the people who really enjoyed the Twilight books, and most of the popular crap out there today. They don't actually read often enough to recognize when bad things are published.

I, less than politely, told her that the first book had tricked her into thinking it was good because it was easy to read. They are actually at a 4th grade reading level- which probably says more about reading habits than anything.

It took me four hours to read each of the Twilight books- that's 16 hours total and I sorely wish that I had that time back.

Don't get me wrong- props to Smeyer for writing four books.My problem is that people are so enthralled with something that's just...not good.

I admit, part of me is probably just really upset that people keep comparing it to Harry Potter. I mean... that's like comparing an apple to a fire-breathing dragon (haha, ironically the cover of the first Twilight book has an apple on it and the first Harry Potter book has a fire-breathing dragon- comparison win!)

The thing about Twilight that's truly tragic is that there's really nothing good that can come from it. There are no good morals or characters to strive to live up to. I mean, really, the protagonist is a blah girl who moves and falls in love with a creepy stalker. She spends most of her time worrying about the fact that she's growing older and won't be attractive to him anymore.

Then she gets married. And has a baby. The end.

For example, Beauty and the Beast has sometimes been mocked as a story about Stockholm Syndrome and all the main character does is fall in love and get married.

Except that at least there's a deeper level in that Belle has to overcome society norms regarding what one should find attractive.

What does Bella do? Falls in love with a "Greek god" figure.

There's also nothing truly original about it. I guess it's kind of interesting that becoming a vampire enhances ones psychic ability- even if it's completely latent when a human. But there's massive potential to recreate well-known mythology and make it something different.

Again- Harry Potter. Rowling managed to create an entire fantasy world that has redefined what we think of wizards and magic.

Even the Percy Jackson series- which I admit I thoroughly enjoyed- managed to revamp the classics and build a new perspective for younger audiences.

Vegetarian vampires are not a new concept. Vampires having psychic abilities isn't new. Vampires being able to go out in sunlight isn't new.

The sparkling is new, but almost not even worth mentioning.

Alright, enough ragging on Twilight. I just needed to get all of that out to get to the main point- Parents really need to start reading books before they let their kids read them.

I'm not saying kids can't think for themselves and choose what they want to read. But seriously- what kids read affects the way they think and act. Do you want your sons to grow up to be stalkers because Edward did it? Do you want your daughter to name-smash your name with her mother-in-law's (okay, worse things could happen, but I think it's stupid so it belongs here)?

Monday, July 9, 2012

Traveling Woes

I love the internet, it's a nice way to see and learn things in a convenient way (particularly at 3 am the day a big research paper is due). Unfortunately, it has a HUGE downside- photos of places across the globe.

I'm kind of a travel junkie- I've known this for a long time. But when I'm bored at work and the internet draws me in, I inevitably add another location I want to see before I die. I'm basically to the point where I'll have to be a hitchhiking hobo to see everything I want to.

 But, as much of a desire as I have to see all the countries and all the things everywhere, I feel like I need to appreciate the US as well.

I've been to 25 of the 50 states- I'm super determined to make all 50 happen. I have a list of places that I think people need to experience here.

I saw a picture of Zion National Park- I MUST SEE IT! Garden of the Gods too! Gonna take a nice long geology field trip! :D

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

And now for something completely different

Actually, this is pretty much like the crap I was posting on here last year. I would say last post was something completely different and I felt super squicky after I realized I actually posted it.

Boo Past Self! Boo!

Anyway, I was standing around doing nothing at work as usual- trying desperately not to fall asleep after a random bout of insomnia that caused me to get about three hours of sleep (it was closer to three and a half, but who's counting that extra half hour? Certainly not my REM cycles!)- when I began thinking about Disney.

Disney is a beautiful, horrible, thing.

I grew up on Disney movies, my friends grew up on Disney movies, and any children that I'm involved in the upbringing up will damn well grow up on Disney movies.

The primary difference between my generation and the next will be this: media.

When I was a kid, I had to learn how to fast forward through crappy previews (okay, I used to watch them!) and remember to rewind or be pissed at myself the next time I wanted to watch that same movie.

That being said, my Disney collection- and that of many of my friends- is beginning to deteriorate.

Years of loving these movies has caused the tapes to become worn and sad, colors muted and sound just a teensy bit off. One of my roommates VHS cases is literally falling apart, damn plastic covering.

This realization was horrible- what if the next time I put in Tarzan was the time the VCR decided it was snack time?!

Thus, I have been slowly upgrading my Disney collection to DVD. But, honestly, it makes me feel kinda dirty- like I'm betraying the person I was and my entire childhood.

I don't have many, but I have Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, which are really all about anyone needs. But I'm thinking I kind of need Mulan and Tarzan.

I dunno...just a thought.