Mug Shots

I have a lot of mugs. Of many shapes and sizes.

...OK, that first part is a lie. They're all sort of circular. But the second part is true.

They can be tall, short, small, fat. So many options! Some are tall and small, others short and fat. They all try to hit this 6-8 ounce range.

I hate this. I put way too much effort into my drinks that require mugs to waste it on 6-8 ounces. The mugs are too small!

When I was a freshman in college, my aunt gave me two mugs. They are perfect.



It's huge! For comparisons sake, here:





Notice, it is not only taller than the other two, but much wider. And I have two of them! They basically make all of my hard work totally worth it. Because it's taken me up to an hour and two reheats to completely empty it.

Birthdays

So, birthdays are kind of weird. They're supposed to be super special awesome for the person born that day.

We celebrate them that one day of the year as a holiday only for them.

But did they really do anything worth celebrating? I mean, their mom did all the hard work. Their mom went through all the pain.

I think the initial birth day is a celebration of the parents and new life right?

Eventually this day stops meaning anything. After a certain point there's nothing you can really look forward to on that day except that you've defeated Darwinism for one more year. (I admit, I'm still eagerly awaiting the day when my brain is fully formed and I can think critically about things that aren't related to fictional characters.)

So I haven't reached that point yet, but it's kind of funny when I think about how unremarkable birthdays actually are.

Commercials

So I think we can all agree that commercials are really suckish. We sit down to enjoy our favorite TV shows or maybe a movie that looks interesting but maybe not enough to justify spending money on it.

Then, after barely seven minutes of good programming- it comes.

The commercial break.

Now, I have a terrible short-term memory. I can sit through one commercial and completely forget what I was watching.

So yeah, from the beginning I dislike commercials.

There's also the fact that so many of them just suck.

A few have succeeded in being awesome. The scrubbing bubbles commercials that begin with something about the toilet brush? Yeah, that's an effective ad. No one wants to clean their toilet, and everyone fears that damn brush.

The recent one by McDonald's where a family is all separated until they have McD's food and a movie to bring them together? Chills of gross down my spine.

Also, those awful Old Navy ads with the mannequins. They creep me out.

I guess they're doing their job right? I remember the commercials. But I'm much less likely to purchase anything from the last two I mentioned.

I guess that's what really offends me about commercial breaks:
They interrupt my shows
They make me forget what I was watching
90% of the time they are ineffective and I think I'm angry that people put out such terrible commercials- thinking that they will work.

I'm no expert on advertisement. In fact, I'm kind of bad at it (mostly because I'm too lazy to actually take care of it). But I do know enough about psychology and design to know what should be effective.

I guess it kind of offends me that people get paid to design crappy ads that, really, should not work. (Granted, the McD's one would probably work if I had children and was concerned about family bonding time.)

Anyway, I guess my point is that I really dislike commercials.

The Best of Sports

There are plenty of traditional and less-than traditional sports in the world. Soccer (football), Football, basketball, martial arts, and a whole mess more.

But there is one sport that really stands out to me: Hockey.

Hockey is pretty much the most amazing sport ever. If it wasn't so costly/ineffective to have hockey rinks in the middle of deserts, we would have a new globally favorite game (screw you soccer, really).

There are a lot of things I love about hockey:

*The timing makes sense.
There's none of this shitty clock-keeping. If a whistle blows, the clock stops. If the puck goes out of bounds, the clock stops. If the puck is stopped by the goalie, the clock stops.

There's nothing crappy like "the clock only stops if it goes out of bounds," "the players don't matter, keep that damn clock going!"

*The players don't suck.
I watched a professional soccer game this last May. One of the players fell, on purpose, and then acted as if they were in severe pain. When the player "responsible" for his "injury" received a flag, he smirked, got up, and trotted off.

What is this bullshit? You are a professional athlete, not a f***ing diva.

Hockey players just get on the ice, kick ass, skate, and get off. Unless a fight starts.

*Fighting is epic.
Now, I'm against saying that hockey is only good because of the fighting, but there's nothing quite like seeing blood on ice. It's one of the best things ever.

*It's not just back and forth scoring.
Hockey is a great game because it can literally change in two minutes. It's not over until that final buzzer. I've seen teams come back from an 8-1 match to take it into overtime in the last 5 minutes.

*Any snack is appropriate.
Beer, pop, water, ice cream, popcorn, pretzel, hot dog, you name it- you can have it at a hockey game.

The best part about a hockey game is it's cold nature allows you to eat anything.

Anyway, that's a bit about why I love hockey and think it should be considered the best sport ever.

Happy Black Friday!

I went shopping on Black Friday once probably two years ago.

I didn't understand before that day why people went out and stood outside cold with the potential of being physically harmed to go shopping that day.

I still don't actually.

It was a terrible experience! People were being rude and grabby and loud. Children were screaming and crying.

It's a horrible tradition.

However, since I too have Christmas shopping to do, Amazon will be getting a lot of business from me :)

I'm in my pajamas shopping right now, in fact! Thank you internet.

Obligatory Thanksgiving post is obligatory

Since it's Thanksgiving, and I have many things to be thankful for, I'm going to write a few nice words about my family and friends.

My family is amazing.
My friends are spectacular.

There, that's a few words. Thanks for letting me be who I am and always supporting me :)

CSI (Crime Scene Idiots)

I have definitely watched my fair share of cop shows. Some are funny (Psych I love you), some are serious (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Law and Order), and some are just really pathetic (CSI: Miami or New York).

Here's what I've learned: people that intend to watch these shows should really try to learn the basics about Forensic Science and law.

Now I'm not saying they should obnoxiously try to tear apart shows for what's real and what's not. Because it's annoying as hell when people do that.

But, if people would take the time to learn the basics, the shitty shows might not exist anymore. We can rid the world of the horrible blocks of time that television is completely overrun with "procedural cop shows." (Thanks "Dean")

The real problem with these shows actually affects the real world- it's known as the "CSI effect."

The CSI effect is the tendency for members of a jury to demand DNA evidence for a case to be solid (you can check Wikipedia for a little more detail). Most of them can be convinced that DNA isn't necessary, but sometimes it seriously screws over the case.

Long story short- if you're going to watch something like this, watch responsibly. Please educate yourselves!

Dr. Seuss affirms my major

Recently, a friend of mine wrote saying that I was becoming a "Lorax of day to day humor."

I had no idea what a Lorax was. But I'm a proud person who will never admit they don't know something. (Unless I don't want to speak to the person referencing it- saying I don't know what they're talking about is a pretty good way to shut them up).

So, I Googled it.

I wasn't too surprised to come up with a Wikipedia article about a Dr. Seuss book. I figured it was either that or some crazy Dark Crystal or Neverending Story reference I had forgotten.

I read up on the summary of The Lorax and the controversy it caused in its day (1988- good year). I wanted to know if being a Lorax was a good or a bad thing.

But it wasn't enough. I had to read this book to make my own assessment of this character. I had to know.

So, using my local library (actually, it was my campus library), I found a copy of this book.

Honestly, though it's 40 years old, it affirms the reason for the existence of my major.

The Lorax is wonderful! It hits on all the stubborn points that people try to ignore about pollution and human influence on climate change.

Seriously. It hits on the corporate greed and how people don't consider how they're affecting the planet because "They're providing a service for people."

It's got the "trickle-down effect" of factories and how they don't just affect the trees they're cutting down- they destroy the air and the water and the lives of all the animals that also use those resources.

Basically, it's kind of made me love my major more. Because I'm not only the Lorax, I'm the little boy at the end. I have to take it upon myself and others must take it upon themselves to change things now.
Before everything leaves.
Before the trees are gone.
Before the Brown bar-ba-loots and Swamee-Swans and Humming Fish are forced to abandon their homes.

So yes. The Lorax. I like it.

The perfect cup of hot chocolate...

Since the weather around here finally got the hint to start acting the way Minnesota weather should act, I'm giving you a present.

The way to make the perfect cup of hot chocolate! It's all about the measurements. Seriously.

How to make the perfect cup of hot chocolate:

Step 1: Grab your ingredients.
-Hot cocoa powder
-Water
-Milk
-French vanilla liquid creamer
-A mug
-A spoon
-A pot

Step 2 part 1: Boil your water!
Put the water in your pot and place it on the stove. Turn on the stove. Wait for the water to bubble (as this is boiling).

...I can't be more specific than that.

It's important that you actually boil the water. This will dissolve the powder best and leave the HC hot after the cold ingredients are added in.

Step 2 part 2: Prepare your mug.
While your water is boiling, grab your mug, spoon, and cocoa powder.

Fill approximately 1/6 of the cup with powder. This is crucial! You need this much powder to get a creamy consistency with full chocolate flavor.

Step 3: Let the liquids mingle.
When your water is ready, pour it into your mug. Fill it up about 3/4 of the way to the top. Stir.

Fill most of the remaining space with milk and add just a splash of your creamer. Stir.

If you have marshmallows, please feel free to add them here.

Step 4: Enjoy.
Seriously, go ahead.

How Townhouse East 115 Wakes Up: A Litany

My roommates and I all wake up around the same time. Somehow, we manage not to get in each others' ways when we all go to the bathroom to shower.

We all have very specific patterns:

Becca gets up and walks in a trance to the shower. Five minutes later, she exits the shower and goes to her room to get dressed.

Once clothed, she goes to the couch and either opens her laptop or pulls out unfinished homework.

The TV is almost instantly turned on to channel 33, TNT. This glorious station shows two rerun episodes of Supernatural every weekday.

Bobbie also exits her room in a trance every morning. But she tends to stand in her doorway for a few seconds before actually entering the bathroom.

She takes mammoth showers. Becca and my shower times combined are still shorter. But that's what it takes when your hair more than vaguely resembles Hermione Granger's.

Bobbie has the misfortune of being awake until around 3 or 4 every morning because she almost always has stories for her classes due. Thus, she wakes up at pretty much the last possible time.

When she finally finishes showering, she goes to her room to get dressed, and I don't see her again until we walk to our classes.

I kind of putz around every morning. I almost always catch a little bit of SPN with Becca. This is when all of our best analyses of the show and characters occur.

I tend to go out into the living room before showering, so my bedhead kind of runs amok.

See, I have really oily hair. I literally can't go more than a day without washing my hair. So, I shower in the morning to optimize my clean hair and social times.

But this leaves my hair susceptible to bedhead.

Becca informed me that one of her favorite parts about the morning is that I come out with bedhead and say something really deep. Because, of course, I look absolutely ridiculous and I'm saying things that are generally pretty insightful.

Here's a picture of my morning hair.

Why Drinking Parties ARE a Good Idea

Last night, my friends and I decided it would be a brilliant idea to drink alcohol and keep a tally of how many "moments" a large number of pairings in Supernatural have.

We had actually been talking about it for a while, and we finally started!

We kept tally on the following pairings:
Sam and Dean
Sam and Cas
Dean and Cas
Evidence of Straight
Evidence of Gay

The last two were more for amusement. Sometimes the males I just named actually have sex with women. We needed to take this into account! We also needed to have a "Catch-all of gay activities" category because there's just something about when Dean says "backwood Duchovny" that always makes me wonder.

Because we were all hugely biased in one ship's favor, we set the following criteria for a "moment":
1. Any "lingering" looks- this means they lasted more than three seconds. If they happen to do a "body scan" with their eyes, it counted as a continuation of that look.

2. Any unnecessary touching.

3. Pet-names. Whether they were sarcastic or not, dammit.

4. Lip licking of any kind.

Now, once those rules were set, we busted out the alcohol, the notepad, a pen, and the "Gay Goggles."

Now, we started on season 4 of the show, simply due to trying to be fair to each pairing. There are 60 episodes before Cas is even introduced!

So, we leveled the playing field, started fresh, ignored all the fan-service in season 2, and opened our bottles.

And so it began.

About four hours later, we were all having a giggly fit. There was one guy in our group- totally unfortunate for him since all we were talking about is the different combination of male/male couples in the show.

(As a side note here- I woke up today and my first thought was "There's no way you can get out of this with your masculinity intact"...still not entirely sure where that came from.)

At one point, we ended up analyzing this guy. He got his own "gay tally" on my sheet of paper. He was pretty insistent that he's not gay...which kind of just led to us giving him more points.

I drew him a graph:


Basically, I started out thinking he was straight. Then, "Arrow 1" is where I hear some stories about him that make me wonder.

It goes back down because of his insistence, and the fact that he keeps talking about all of the straight sex he's had.

Then "Arrow 2" happens. This is the turning point. The irrefutable proof that one is gay. There's really no coming down from this.

At this point, their gay level is growing exponentially and racing towards infinity.

I think this is pretty representative of all males who eventually come out.

...anyway. The final tally after season 4 was:
Sam and Dean - 2
Sam and Cas - 1
Dean and Cas - 13
Evidence of Straight - 5
Evidence of Gay - 4

The Best of the Harry Potter Books

So, in honor of the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, today I'm writing about the best Harry Potter book.

(I wish I was at the movie right now. Both of my roommates are :( I had to work until midnight.)

I've lived, breathed, slept, ate, and been generally obsessed with the Harry Potter books for years.

12 years to be exact.

Anyway, after much deliberation, I've chosen what I believe to be the best Harry Potter book:
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

There's just something about this book:
-The imagery was fantastic.
-The characters were starting to grow up.
-Dementors are creepy as hell.
-Hippogriffs!
-Drunk professors (yay Hagrid!)
-Draco Malfoy being a pansy-ass! (The one good thing the movie did.)
-SNAPE IN A DRESS!
-WE ARE INTRODUCED TO REMUS LUPIN AND SIRIUS BLACK! (This last point is pretty much a "nuff said" for me.)

Anyway, the movie version of this is pretty crappy. Like, made my blood boil in rage crappy.

But it's all ok. Because the book is so glorious. In fact, it's so glorious I own it in English and Spanish.
---
Some quotes I've stolen:
"When will they learn that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?"
~ Vernon Durlsey; regarding convicts

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good."
~The Maurader's password

Ode to a KitKat

Oh crunchy delight,
covered in chocolate goo,
forever I'll eat.

Actually...that was a haiku.

KitKats are helping me cope with not being at the Harry Potter movie right now...

The Id and the Superego: A One-Act Play

So, my friend sent me a link to this amazing video:
Operation Stealth Nugget

The man speaking, Misha Collins, is completely insane! And I love him. But this video caused an interesting discussion between me and one of my roommates: does Misha possess any form of Ego or Superego?

Our conclusion was: No. A large, resounding no.

Then, I applied these three roles to each of my roommates, here I will outline a typical dialogue.

The Superego--- Becca
The Ego --- Bobbie
The Id --- Me

[Enter to scene- my dorm living room. A couch, and two chairs (one dubbed Chair!Bed by virtue of being a pullout bed) sit in a brightly lit room. A kitchen with a table and four chairs lies in the background.

Disclaimer: Becca asked me to put in here that she is not a naggy bitch as may be portrayed here. I agree, she is not- but for the purposes of this "play" I have taken snippier moments.]

Superego [sits on couch and opens laptop]: I'm so tired of having homework! And at work today I had no time to get anything done. And now my friends won't stop texting me about our projects.

Id [sitting on Chair!bed with laptop open to some variation of textual porn]: I'm sorry, that sucks.

Superego [attempts to glare]: Whatever, you never have homework!

Id [without looking away from screen]: That's not true, I read a book for class this weekend.

Ego, who should be frantically trying to hack away at an eight-page story due the next day, sits on couch in an attempt to avoid guilt over not working on it as diligently as it should.

Superego [pulls out notebook]: Oh yeah, you "read" a book. Or actually you just skimmed every third page.

Id [gives a shit-eating grin]: That's true, but I have an outline written for my summary and evidence ready to fill space.

Both Superego and Ego scoff.

Id [now thoroughly bored from porn, begins searching through the vast DVD collection]: You guys want to watch a movie?

Ego, threatened by even more distraction, moves offstage to her room. The headphones used to hide the fact that she's listening to "Teenage Dream" from Glee again are unplugged.

Id [turns towards wall]: Ego! I can hear that!

Superego: I think we should watch Devour because it has Jensen Ackles in it.

Id [looks at Superego]: That's a great idea, if we actually had it.

Superego pouts and goes back to looking at her math homework.

Id [searches through the movies some more]: How about Beaches?

Superego [glares]: No.

Id [laughs]: Alright then. How about...Supernatural?

Superego: Which episode?

Id [touching each season]: I dunno...probably something with a lot of Cas.

Superego [looking at DVDs]: How about "Changing Channels."

Id: Alright!

The episode plays and Superego has yet to make significant progress on homework due to the epic conversation analyzing Dean, Sam, Cas, and Gabe and their relationships with each other.

Superego [throws notebooks and pencils on ground]: Ugh! I never get any homework done out here. You distract me too much.

Id [looks away from computer screen]: We've discussed this before. I just present you with options. What you choose is your decision.

Superego [glares and pouts]: I'm going to bed.

Id begins panicking. Id knows that the only thing keeping any semblance of sanity in the dorm is the presence of either Ego or Superego (more the latter than the former).

Id: But it's only 1:13!

Superego: I know! I might actually get real sleep tonight!

Superego exists stage right to her room offstage, leaving Id sitting on Chair!bed. Alone in the living room.

(This is going to be a "choose your own ending." Ending 1 is what generally happens when this occurs in real life. Ending 2 is what I imagine could happen were we to allow all Ids to run freely.)

Ending #1

Id sits quietly for a few minutes. Laptop open to its blog. At this point, there are at least 45 minutes to go before sleep can be attempted. Since there's already a disc of Supernatural in, one more episode is watched.

No homework gets done that night. Id has not read for any of her classes since week 3 of school. Id started a blog and writes shit like this in her free time.

Ending #2

Id sits quietly for a few minutes.

Id [shoulders shaking]: I'm...free. Free! I'M FREE!!!!!

Two weeks later, Sarah Palin was elected president and Texas was bombed.

The Best of Movies

I've seen a lot of movies in my 21 years. My memory for movies is one of my more freakish skills.

So, when I say that I've picked a favorite movie, I mean that it has to be f***ing spectacular.

Now, before I name "The Best" movie, I feel I should make a list of movies that I almost never say 'no' to watching:

* Beauty and the Beast
* Blood Diamond
* Up
* The Last Samurai
* The Ten Commandments
* Cinderella Man
* The Princess Bride
* The Shawshank Redemption
* The Lion King
* Spirited Away


I love all of these movies- each one has something that just sets it apart from others. The acting, the cinematography, the music, the lighting, the script- something is just absolutely perfect and it keeps me coming back again and again.

Each movie has a subtlety to it that I adore.

Now, I tend to get a lot of crap for my choice in favorite movie. That being said, the movie I'm about to name is, in my opinion, one of the movies that just hits it home in each of the categories I listed above.

The winner is: Gladiator

I could lose this movie a hundred times and I would rebuy it each time. I can quote it nearly word-for-word. The only time I would ever refuse to watch it is when it's on TV and they'll edit stuff because I think it should never change.

It's brilliant.

The acting is phenomenal:
-Russell Crowe is amazing. He has this perfect combination of roughness and softness that just emphasizes how badass Maximus is.
-Richard Harris is Richard Harris. Nuff said. He might not be in much of the movie, but his portrayal of Marcus Aurelius is spectacular.
-Joaquin Phoenix is just plain creepy. And he doesn't have to be. His character is sleazy and it makes me shudder just to think about him.
-Connie Nielsen is perfect. She brings out the strength in her character. She makes this character earn what was written for her.
-Djimon Hounsou needs to be in more movies. I am always thrilled to see him in movies because his skills as an actor just keep getting stronger. Like the main cast, he can bring out that dichotomy of emotions that just makes a character jump to life.

Of course, the rest of the cast does a spectacular job. Derek Jacobi (Proximo), Tommy Flanagan (Cicero), and Spencer Clark (Lucius) all have strong performances.

But, like any good machine, it needs all the pieces to fall into play. The actors are the wheels but without the proper axis and washers to keep them aligned and turning, it would all fall apart.

The screenplay for this movie is brilliant.
I still get chills every time I hear "And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."
I live my life by the quote "What we do in life echoes in eternity."
I tear up when I think "Is Rome worth one good man's life? We believed it once, make us believe it again."

Aside from simply poetic, the writers get creative. Gladiator strikes a lot of people as a "man's movie." I'm inclined to agree since most of my female friends get this blank look whenever I mention it and their eyes do that glazed over thing.

It never stops me from trying to get them to watch it with me.

Who doesn't want to watch the Germanic barbarians get roasted in a forest? Or a guy throw a sword end-over-end with his hands tied? Or a guy's head get cut off by two swords that had previously been stabbed into his chest?

Seriously. The action in this movie is fantastic! I used to try to learn the battle choreography just so I could better appreciate it.

There's also this clever ongoing scene where Maximus is walking through a field. It's so subtle, the way it represents how close he is to death and happiness. And the way they filmed it gives it the ethereal feel.

Music. I love it. This movie has nearly all instrumental music, but it totally doesn't matter. I keep the soundtrack in my car and put it in whenever I need a really good pick-me-up. And the few tracks that have vocals are awesome. It's soft and haunting and harsh and energetic. Hans Zimmer is brilliant.

And the rest:
*The camerawork is beautiful. They made fantastic filming decisions.
*The locations are fantastic.
*The lighting is gorgeous. It just emphasizes not only the beauty but this gritty quality of the locations.
*Costuming and makeup- well done. I believe pretty much everything.

Excuse me while I go watch it. Writing about it always makes me excited to watch it again!

That's why Gladiator is, hands down, the best movie IMO.

Fantasia 2000

I was recently watching Fantasia 2000 and came up with a few observations:

The whales are a gay couple raising a foundling whale baby.
Seriously, it's the only reason I can think of for there to be two Humpback whales and a baby Blue whale.

The story with the one-legged soldier is adorable.
He's so hopeful that his one leg missing won't offend her because she's also missing a leg. And he's so embarrassed and downhearted when he discovers she actually has two legs. But he's just too cute and they love each other.

What the hell is up with the flamingos?
The flamingo with the yo-yo is like the ADHD kid in class that everyone tries to ignore but they can't.

Disney has a hard-on for mountain monsters.
Both Fantasia productions end with sequences about monsters coming out of mountains to terrify some unsuspecting thing (like a village or a forest).

The broom is like the f***ing Hydra.
I mean, Mickey hacks that thing to freaking pieces. And it just comes back! Into many other brooms.

My fear of and desire to please authority figures comes from watching The Sorcerer's Apprentice.
The Sorcerer is terrifying. Mickey upsets him. Nuff said.

Donuts are kind of like Jesus

I'm sitting here at 1 am thinking about donuts and this occurred to me: donuts are totally symbolic of Jesus.

Here's why:
1. Their bodies are made of bread.

2. They have frosting that represents His sweetness.

3. They are clearly sent by God to make people happy.

4. Some people think that Jesus makes everything better; I think donuts make everything better.

5. There are very important holes in both of them.

...clearly I am going to Hell.

Also, Google Jesus donut.

The Best of Pops

I decided to make a list of ten things and decide what I think the best of that thing is.

Today is pops. (Soda, or...coke to you Southerners.)

I'm sure you all know, at least you should, that Dr. Pepper is like if a Norse god ate a unicorn, barfed it up, and gave it to an Egyptian god as a beverage.

That is to say, Dr. Pepper is amazing.

I grew up in a Mountain Dew dominated household. I love Mountain Dew, and I still drink it frequently. But it can't hold a candle to my true love.

There's something about Dr. Pepper that makes me sing with joy just thinking about it. I think it might have something to do with the caramel coloring, the fact that it has 23 ingredients blending together, or maybe it's the delusion of health benefits that comes from the main ingredient being prunes. I just don't know.

Regardless, there's nothing like a good DP.

It's good at any time! Whether it's: warm and fizzy, cold and fizzy, cold and flat, or warm and flat- it always tastes wonderful.

The other wonderful part of Dr. Pepper is that it's technically its own company! It has a marketing/distribution contract with Pepsi, but it is still sometimes present in Coke establishments.(Perkins...please pick up on this!)

This is why Dr. Pepper definitely gets my vote as the Best Pop.

On being a heater

I grew up in Minnesota. I live in Minnesota. I spent the majority of my weekends until college in hockey arenas. I go to the Minnesota State High School League hockey tournament every year with my family.

Needless to say, I don't mind cold weather. In fact, I kind of love it- it's much more comfortable than nasty, hot, sticky weather.

Until last night, I assumed it was my excess weight that kept me nice and toasty through the winter months. I don't have a higher-than-average body temperature or anything so I never questioned it.

Now? I'm not so sure.

The basement at my house is kind of cold- it's in the ground so there's not much going on down there. The heaters take too long to warm up the rooms to enjoy them without turning them on a couple hours in advance.

So, when Friday nights roll around and we all gather together to watch the new episode of Supernatural, I just pull out blankets for everyone.

Except last night.

Last night, one of my roommates was too flaily to actually do anything. It's amazing how flailing can disrupt ones life.

Anyway, she was too ridiculously preoccupied to get herself a blanket.

As the show came on, she was sitting next to me. This wasn't unusual- we all kind of just cram in wherever possible.

But by commercial break one she was completely against me, and I had to ask "Are you just using me for my body heat?"

She looked a little ashamed but laughed "Is it that obvious?"

We all had a good laugh about it, and went back to watching our show.

But I started thinking.

People have always commented on how warm my hands are. I rarely wear gloves because keeping them in my pockets has always done a good enough job. I have Super!Circulation or something I guess.

One person described my internal temperature as the core of a volcano.

This made me wonder- is the rest of my body as abnormally warm as my hands? Based on her actions? I'm gonna go with yes.

So, at commercial break number 3 I asked "Does this seriously make a difference?" I put my hand on her arm and she said that it did.

Then I tested one of my former roommates and a friend of mine. I put my hand on each of their legs and both of them said it made a difference too.

I guess this was actually an invitation to become the personal heater for these three people.

And that's how I ended up cuddling with one of my roommates with two sets of feet on my back.

Defining deductibles to children...

The other day, a freshman asked me to explain a deductible to her (instead of actually looking it up on her own).

I explained it in a very basic, a way that involved $10,000 and an insurance policy that would cover 60% of your costs and with a $2,000 deductible.

I told her that it was basic math- the kind my math major roommate refuses to do. You subtract the deductible (you know...deduct it) because you are responsible for that.

Then, I got back to my dorm after thinking about it a little more and I got annoyed. Why didn't she just look it up like she was supposed to?

As I was telling this to my roommate, we decided this was probably a better explanation (forgive our condescension, but we thought it was too amusing):

If your teddy bear gets lollipop disease and needs to go see the teddy bear doctor, you're going to have to pay the doctor.

Say the doctor charges you three shiny stickers and five gumdrops.

Your mommy says she will give you two shiny stickers and three gumdrops if you can find one shiny sticker and one gumdrop. This sticker and gumdrop are the deductible- what you must provide on your own before you get help.

The remaining gumdrop is called debt. But that's a lesson for another day.

What does eight hours of sleep look like?

I came to a startling realization at around one am today: I'm not sure I remember what it's like to go to bed before 2.

Yeah, there are times when I'm feeling like shit that I just kind of collapse onto whatever is nearest to me and pass out until my alarm goes off the next day. But for the most part, even if I'm in bed before 2...I have my laptop open with about five tabs until closer to 2:30.

I realized this because, once again, my roommates left me alone. They went to bed and I was standing in the living room trying to find something to do. (Usually, when in this situation, stretching occurs. There's nothing quite like a complete body stretch at 1:30.)

So, I moved my stuff into my room. Completely determined to finish my movie and go to bed.

My movie finished ten minutes ago...and here I am.

I do my best thinking somewhere between 1 and 4. It's not a perfectly timed system, but engage my mind between these hours and I guarantee you end up with a good book idea before the end. I'm wondering if this isn't part of my aversion to going to bed early.

If I was asleep, I would probably be wasting my state of creative thought on dreams. (Not that dreams aren't fun...but you end up with ideas like prehistoric wasps stinging people and laying eggs in the stings so that larvae will eventually burst forth in an epic eruption of worms and pus to eat the person they had incubated in...because, of course, prehistoric wasps are carnivorous.)

That right there? A perfect example of why I should be awake right now instead of trying to fall asleep. God only knows what would happen if I went to bed right after watching Pay it Forward.

Anyway...I'm nearing 2 and can probably go to my physical bed now since it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall asleep (again, unless I'm exhausted).

The Break In

When I was a sophomore in college, I lived in an on-campus apartment.

They were standard two-bedroom apartments- with four people living in there. (That means that I shared a room with someone.)

Anyway, as all standard two-bedroom apartments, my room was too small to even consider fitting two beds, two desks, and two dressers in there. So, we had bunk beds and my desk became a TV stand in the living room.

I slept on the bottom bunk to prevent me from waking up my roommate when I stumbled in around 2am.

Turns out I'm not the one we needed to worry about stumbling into our beds.

Finals week is a stressful time; students are constantly abusing their bodies by not eating or sleeping proper amounts of time. Not to mention the all-encompassing feeling that if you don't get an A in your class your entire life is probably over because you'll end up working at McDonald's. (Because why would a grad school take anyone who got *gasp* a B+ in their intro level biology class!)

The stress of finals week can be subdued many ways. Personally, I marathon an entire TV series that I've never seen before; most notably Kyo Kara Maoh and Supernatural.

Some bake, others play intensely destructive video games.

And then there are those that drink.

Not usually in excess, they still have a lot of shit to get done after all, but enough to take the edge off and beat down the panic attack that's threatening to appear every second of that week.

One such person found their way into our apartment.

I was actually asleep when the person entered the dorm. One of my roommates had a tendency to stay out until around 4 so we left it up to her to lock the door.

This habit? Definitely ended that night. We figured she could unlock the damn door or sleep in the hall.

Because someone entered our room while we were all asleep.

Actually, she tried crawling into bed with me. Which is what woke me up. I turned over and snapped "What?" thinking it was just one of my roommates.

No, it was not one of my roommates. It was a girl who looked like she probably went to my college and was wearing pajamas.

Despite this, shouldn't my survival instincts kick in? Shouldn't I like...scream and kick or something?

I guess not.

After my less-than-brilliant question, she replied that she was looking for something. I just kind of looked at her, trying to process what she had just said to me.

Now, I'm going to blame being half-asleep for this response: "The bathroom's that way."

Apparently, survival is not my greatest concern. No, my greatest concern is that she needs to go to the bathroom and is going to pee on my floor instead of the toilet.

She shook her head and told me that wasn't what she was looking for and I watched her head toward the door.

Thinking she was going to leave my room and sleep on my couch, I just turned over and figured I'd fall back asleep and deal with it in the morning.

Instead of the door opening, the bunk bed started moving.

I looked to the end of the bed and saw legs on the rungs. The psycho was trying to climb into the top bunk!

I told her someone was sleeping up there and received a snappy "No there isn't." in response.

I knew my roommate was going to flip shit if she woke up with this girl in her bed with her. Seriously? She kind of looked like Samara from The Ring, except about ten years older.

My roommate woke up while the girl was still climbing up and I immediately tried to calm her down by telling her that everything was OK and please don't freak out.

Turns out that not everyone thinks their carpets cleanliness is more important than survival.

I had barely finished my little placating speech when she shrieked and kicked out. (We thought she had kicked the girl in the face, but actually only hit the bedpost.)

The girl immediately climbed down and was really grouchy. Basically I wanted to make sure both of them were OK and then go back to bed.

Then we discovered that the intruder worked with my roommate. Saying her name woke her up. She looked around confusedly and kind of squeaked out a "Am I...not in my room?"

She had been sleep-walking.

I told her our room number and she just kind of left the room. (I did glimpse her staring at our wall- where we had hung up My Little Pony coloring book pages.)

When I heard the main door open and close, I laid there for a few moments before going and locking the door.

The next morning, my roommate and I just kind of danced around the issue. And by "danced around the issue" I mean both of us were too afraid that it was a dream to bring it up.

Finally, we determined it was not a dream. Someone really had been sleep-walking in our dorm.

Despite the painful bruise on my roommate's foot, the embarrassed crying we later found out "the intruder" went through, and the shameful survival instincts I displayed; it's become one of our favorite stories to tell.

I kind of hate Food Network...

This statement is both a shameless lie and an absolute truth.

("All of the truth things I am about to tell you are shameless lies." -Cat's Cradle Thank you, Kurt, thank you...or should I thank Bokonon?)

Food Network is amazing. I get to watch people cook food and tell me interesting things. Then, I get to go pretend that I'm a fabulous chef and know "All Things Food."

There's always something enjoyable on (except between like...4 and 9am when they actually show infomercials). If I'm channel surfing, FN is definitely one of the stops I end up punching into the numbers instead of just using the channel button.

I really enjoy their competition shows because I appreciate that their winners actually get things (Next Iron Chef gets to be an Iron Chef! Next Food Network Star gets their own show! Chopped champions get $10k to do whatever they want with).

These shows are also hugely entertaining for reasons bordering on sadistic- watching all of them under pressure and stress kind of relieves me of any feelings meant to be in the same general category.

But there's a problem with this glorious lineup: It's all about FOOD!

It's impossible to watch Food Network without wanting to go on this huge eating-spree. The food all looks too damn good. You can't watch it when you're hungry- otherwise you're doomed.

But you can't watch it when you're full either, because then you kind of don't enjoy looking at food: if you're stuffed it's just flat out uncomfortable, and if you're at the "pleasantly filled" point looking at food starts edging you into that stuffed feeling.

Then, there's this sickening fact that I can never cook like them. I can follow a recipe, sure, but if I was put in a position where I had to figure out what kind of meal to whip up in like...two minutes? Yeah, not happening.

Last, but certainly not least, this channel makes me want a personal chef. I want food like they get to eat!

I know, I'm a terrible person. Here I am bitching about not getting amazing doughnuts (that's what they happen to be talking about right now) when there are people all over the planet who don't get any food, let alone good food. I'll ease my guilt later and buy some groceries for a local food pantry or something. Promise.


Anyway, I'm stuck with this dichotomy of feelings- I both love and hate this channel.

Syfy Original Movies- how do they manage to continue justifying them?

Every time Syfy comes out with a new original movie, I sit there staring blankly (with the latest exceptions of Stonehenge Apocalypse and Sharktopus).

Their stories are ridiculous, and often very similar (shaken up with a side of vodka and maybe a little cayenne pepper). Like an episode of X-Files, there is a monster caused by some terrible magic/science that needs to be defeated. The, usually, unfortunate hero that has some ridiculous connection to the theme.

So, with plots even less original than the standard chick-flick, I still find myself sitting down to watch their shows.

Why? Because there are a few things these original movies have (that they really should try to earn):
A good lead actor/actress, and just enough science to actually make the story seem plausible.

These two things are obviously important. A good enough actor can make anything sound, at the very least, better. As stated above, Stonehenge Apocalypse got decent ratings because Misha Collins was acting in it. Honestly- put the right person in the lead and you're assured at least 100 people watching.

(Just in case I have to keep writing it out, Stonehenge Apocalypse will now be known as SA).

The second thing might be even more crucial. Having a plot backed up with science (on a science fiction network...it should go without stating) instantly endears your show to a majority of the viewers.

Again, SA had a terraforming event. Losers like me sit up in their seats (bouncing if they're anything like me) at the classic concept brought up anew.

Oh! I forgot the fantasy part!

Now, most sci-fi fanatics will strictly deny that fantasy should even be used in the same sentence as their beloved science fiction.

(Usually the line between them lies in the same area as Star Trek vs. Star Wars. Star Trek die-hards will swear that Star Wars is a travesty that doesn't deserve to have the word "science" anywhere near it. The "science" in Star Wars is generally unsound whereas everything in Star Trek- with the notable exception of teleportation- has become possible. Sadly, we have yet to produce a working model of a light saber... we should work on that one.)

Anyway, because most of us grew up on Disney, we like our fairy tales. We like our magic and things we're a little more qualified to understand (admit it- the average American isn't going to understand anything scientifically based unless they do the embarrassing analogy about how neurons are the telephone poles of the body...or something equally simplified).

So, because most Syfy movies take this into account, you end up with things that pique the interest of their audience.

Sharks and octopi- come on! The concept of Sharktopus, regardless of its scientific impossibility, is wonderful! The weight required to take down a ship, the tentacles to squeeze its prey into oblivion and open door and jars and things, and the teeth and eyesight to tear apart hapless swimmers.(Side note- I was looking through the cast of this movie and have decided they actually though the idea was so badass they didn't need a great actor.)

In SA you get the science mixed with this great unknown element- who the f*** did build pyramids and Stonehenge and Easter Island? (Ok, so there are actually answers for those, but again the standard viewer probably doesn't know that. They know the mystery behind them because the name "History Channel" makes them start drooling in anticipation of the nap they're bound to get from it.)

In Chupacabra you get to explore the legendary "goat eater." The Triangle plays on the mysterious Bermuda Triangle and the different theories surrounding that. Supernova is the classic space is overtaking Earth and going to destroy it story. (The fact that these movies feature John Rhys-Davies, Sam Neill, and Luke Perry- respectively- doesn't hurt.)

Ultimately, this awkward blend of science, fantasy, and acting (and probably a lot of that vodka I mentioned before) breeds the abominations of Syfy network,

And, even knowing this, I can't stop watching them T_T

Maturity is a lie

That whole "with age comes maturity" trope? Yeah, that's complete bullshit.

It really doesn't matter how old you are, fart jokes are still funny.

I've noticed there are a two main time frames when people think they've finally "matured":

1. The Junior High Phase
Junior High kids suck. I don't quite know why it is that 12/13/14-year-olds think they're so cool, but they do. They disrespect their parents, they disrespect their teachers, and they just kind of disrespect everyone on the planet. They think the entire world is stupid and out to get them.

I remember junior high, and I remember hating it. People become spiteful and cynical and are just generally nasty. Our egos swell up during these years and we basically revert to the stone age.

I sum up these years in two years: rumors and gross.

My point about these years- you think you know everything until ninth grade rolls around and you get your head shoved in a toilet by a senior football player. This longstanding tradition is important!!! Without swirlies, freshmen would keep their cocky attitudes and drive teachers to suicide.

At this point, you've finally discovered that no, you don't k now everything and you can't take over the world- a larger person could probably eat your face off for even thinking about it.

2. Senior year of high school/Freshman year of college
This is a tricky phase. You're on top of the world senior year of high school. It's possible that no one can touch you because you just turned 18 or just got a car. You can drive, you can vote, and you only have to pass your classes and then you're free of the unconstitutional establishment that is public education (I say unconstitutional because it's generally considered cruel and unusual punishment- except that it's obviously not unusual...only cruel is the worst ways).

So, after procrastinating all that year, you've either dropped out and joined the workforce (at which point this no longer applies because I'll get to that later) or entered college.

College freshmen are some of the snottier people I've met. They're expressing their "freedom" in several different ways. They'll drink and publicize it because they think it's special, they'll give you those "my god are you stupid" looks when you ask them a simple question.

They've "transitioned" into adulthood and they are flaunting it (because they haven't realized yet that their moms are still going to do their laundry for them and they don't have real jobs and thus aren't actually adults or even in the "real world" yet).

My point is- you don't really know jack shit until you're out in the real world. By which point you have hopefully realized that maturity is a lie. You gain responsibility and skills for time planning and interests that are a little more "adult" (read: realistic) than when you were a kid.

But you're still going to laugh when someone gets kicked in the nuts or says something like "penis."

Why?!

I woke up this morning at 9 for my 9:45 shift at the library. This happens every Saturday morning, and every Saturday morning I wonder why the f*** I did this to myself.

During the week, I don't start my day until 10:30. So why did I think it would be a good idea to wake up early on my Saturdays?

Seriously, who does that? Especially college students.

Friday nights, I'm supposed to watch Supernatural, judge it harshly enough that I'm not just giving it a free pass then squee about all the glorious boy-love action that I like to pretend is canon.Then, when I'm done with that, I ignore my homework.

That's when we pretend we don't live on a dry campus and actually choose to drink at my parents' house. Except I don't get to really enjoy this because I have work in the morning!

Every day of the week Sunday-Friday I get to sleep until at least 9:30. Sometimes I just don't get up until 10. Sundays are glorious because I just get myself stay up late and wake up whenever.

So why, in the name of all things holy, would I choose to get up early that day? (Granted, if I could just get up and watch all kinds of cartoons I probably would.)

My only logical explanation for doing this: I'm a masochist.

Everything I do, it all comes back to that fact. I just like punishing myself. It's why I have two majors and a minor- none of which defines a job that I can do when I graduate and leaves me scrambling trying to pick a profession that will impress my family and friends at the 10 year reunion (since my social life has a negative learning curve and living with my college roommates or my brother isn't that impressive...).

I even did that thing where I convinced myself "I'd only hit the snooze button once" which means I actually kept hitting hit until 9:15- the last possible time to wake up and still have time to shower and eat breakfast. But it's not like you get any extra sleep from doing this; mostly I just close my eyes dreading the next alarm.

Oh well, at least I can do my homework right?

Another thing- my phone has the weirdest screen font ever. "ALARM" totally does not look like alarm every time I see it.

Why Girls Like Dressing Like Boys

This Halloween, me and three of my friends dressed up as characters from the TV show "Supernatural."


(Photo by the wonderful Hallie Clawson)

This isn't the first time I've been a male character for Halloween (I should have an epic picture of me as Aragorn somewhere).And it's probably not the last.

I think it's safe to say that everyone enjoys dressing up, we get to pretend to be something we're not for a small amount of time. We get to hide, to blend. We can forget we have lives and responsibilities.

But there's something especially exhilarating about dressing like a boy. I'm going to try to explain why it's fun (mostly for the benefit of my roommate, who has to dress up again and lead a discussion in one of her classes about why anyone in their right might would do something like this).

I've outlined a few reasons why dressing like a boy is fun, they're going to start ridiculous and escalate into something more useful (some of this is a bit stereotypical and generalizes, deal with it).

1. No shaving
This is actually a really big sell for me. I almost shaved my legs the morning we did this and said "No. I don't have to. Men don't shave their legs so I shall be a man!"

Women have to put a lot of effort into their hygiene (some men do too, but I'm getting to that). We shave, wax, lotion, oil, dye our hair, spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothing, and just generally care way too much about appearance.

2. Boy clothing is infinitely more comfortable than girl clothing
Guys are about utility and comfort- and I appreciate it when it comes to clothing. Unless it's an undershirt, the clothes tend to be loose to allow movement.

Girl clothing is all fitted, and it definitely makes girls feel pretty. But we all have what I call "Fat Days." Those days when I literally crawl out of bed and go "I feel like I weight 100 pounds more than I actually do...this baggy-ass shirt will do nicely."

Thus, boy clothing is immediately appealing (I don't know for sure if this works in the opposite way for guys...but as far as I know they at least really enjoy baggy pants).

3. Gender stereotyping
This is one of the things I think may be most appealing about cross-dressing. We all have perceptions about the opposite gender. Saturday, I watched girls who are generally very proper burp, show the food they were chewing, and generally being more aggressive.

I thought this was kind of interesting. We're not a group of particularly shy girls, but some people definitely commented on how we were more assertive overall, which leads into my next point that I already alluded to above.

3.5 "Jab Appeal"
This is the part that makes it so wonderful to make those gender stereotypes I mentioned above. We love to make fun of each other. And this is one sure "safe" way of doing so- we're just dressed up for Halloween after all! (Or conventions, or whatever. I really don't care.)

4. Confidence
Dressing up like someone/thing else really does affect the way you act. You're hiding out in the open, but instead of it causing terror like a witness protection program, it just inspires one to open up, to be something you're not!

5. Freedom of rejection
This one is a little less easy to explain, but I'll try my best! When dressed like a member of the opposite sex, you are safe from real rejection.

If they seem uncomfortable, they probably are- but it's not really you.
If they go along with it, have fun!
If you hit on them (no matter which gender) and they reject you, they're right back up at the uncomfortable stage so it's still not you.
If you hit on them and they accept you, it's the start of something really fun and probably weird ;)

To summarize in the words of CSI (the original): It's all just plumbing, guy parts into girl parts. (except when it isn't...) But it's fun for weird reasons and I don't question it.

I think my roommates are pretty much the coolest people ever. Especially Becca cause she has great taste and made my blog look all pretty :) Hurray!

Edit by the real Maddi: This ^ is actually a lie. I made it prettier =P

I'd rather be Besties with Satan than go to the Dentist

No, seriously.

I had a dentist appointment this morning, and all I could think about what the latest episode of Supernatural when the guy at the dentist gets his throat torn up by a drill used to help with root canals or cavities or something like that.

I can usually feel my blood pressure spiking when I think about going to the dentist. I remember that I've never had a cavity and I get resentful of the fact that I have to go.

Here's what I generally think about when I go to the dentist:

* Instruments of torture
I don't know how many of you actually look at what they use to carve away at your teeth, but they look like torture devices. They're metal tubes with hooks on the end. One of them has a scalpel attached to one end! Who thinks this shit up?

Fun fact: A dentist invented the electric chair.

* The way they always ask you questions while their hands are in your mouth
What are we supposed to do? My roommate and I both agree: you end up saying "yes" to all the questions they ask you. I understand that they want to feel special and make you feel like you're among friends- but I don't want to start chewing their hand when I speak.

* The utter inanity of it all
If you're anything like me, you leave the dentist with less money and your mouth feeling like you just brushed your teeth. Let's be honest- my teeth never feel significantly cleaner (except that one time I ate a bagel with cream cheese and didn't brush my teeth before I went just out of spite).

I understand that it could be useful for things like root canals and capping and things. But mostly they're useless if you actually brush and floss your teeth.

A subsection of this is the fact that they scrape and scrape and scrape until they say "Your gums are bleeding, you should work on that." If you would stop poking my gums and scraping away at my teeth they wouldn't bleed would they?!

* The polishing
I'm not much of a flincher. But the polish brush thing? F-ing terrifying. I used to cry every time I went for a cleaning (I've since advanced to wincing every time).

It makes a terrible drill noise that I'm pretty sure could cause enough duress that even the Spanish Inquisition would hesitate in using it.

So, when I say that I would rather be best friends with Satan than go to the dentist- I actually mean it.
(I admit, I think Supernatural is mostly at fault for this. Their version of the Devil makes me imagine that Luc and I could have lots of fun discussing how easy it is to "Present options and let the rest just happen.")

Climate Change and Evidence for It

I've noticed something important today: it's November, I live in Moorhead, and there is no snow on the ground. This is unheard of. Honestly, those three things have never been in a sentence together in my memory.

I also noticed that there are several types of trees hanging around. There are the Evergreens, the Leafy, the Underwear Models, and the Naked.

This is how I define them:
The Evergreens- They're completely covered. They exist to be green forever. If you don't know what I mean by an Evergreen, think of a Christmas tree. They're fluffy and glorious and stand proudly through all the seasons.
(I consider myself an Evergreen)

The Leafy- These are the trees that are holding onto their leaves well. For some reason they're hanging on and each branch has at least 4 leaves.
(I think if I were to assign a group of people to this category- I would say these are adults with 9-5 jobs. Their lives kind of suck, but they have a job and potentially homes and children and other things that are "life-affirming" and all that.)

The Underwear Models- You know these trees. They're the sad ones that have like...6 leaves still glued to them and refuse to fall off and give up even though they're already dead.
(College students. Definitely. We pretend that we can handle everything, but really we're just empty shells waiting for graduation so we can become Leafy.)

The Naked- The sad ones that were tricked by their internal clock into thinking that it's winter (crazy right? It's only NOVEMBER). They are bare, and pathetic, and envious of the grass around them which is still green and being mowed.
(These are the potheads that they describe in those commercials. The ones that can no longer do anything because they're amorphous blobs.)

There are also various bushes and things. But I don't really care about them.

Then I started questioning what these various trees are thinking (hence this post). This is what I came up with:
The Evergreens-

"I'm so glorious! Life is beautiful because no matter what I look like my natural, wonderful self! I can't wait for snow because then I'll sparkle with its beauty as well! Christmas is just around the corner and I am a STAR!"

The Leafy-

"Ha! I am victorious and don't look completely ridiculous. There's no snow yet, so it's not winter! I enjoy having foreseen how ridiculously warm it was going to be. I'm going to get a wonderful sparkle layer of frost every night (in December, since it's too warm for frost now and won't be cold enough EVER or at least until November is over).

The Underwear Models-

"I'm glad I caught on that it would be warm early enough to maintain a few leaves. But I wish I hadn't exerted that effort."











The Naked-

"FML. F*** Minnesota. F*** climate change. F*** all the trees that don't just look like they've up and died. F*** the green green grass around me which should be brown and crispy and so dead it's not even funny. F*** this strange girl taking pictures of me to mock me on the internet."

BONUS:
The Bushes and the Grass-


"HA! WE NEVER LOOK STUPID EVER!"

I want a turkey sandwich...

I'm sitting here in my dorm, completely alone.

My roommates are both being productive and working. All I can think about is the promise of Erbert and Gerbert's at nine when one of them is done with work.

Why am I willing to pay $5 for a turkey sandwich?
One: I'm pretty sure they put crack in their bread. And I'm officially addicted.
Two: Turkey, mayo, lettuce, tomato, and bread that isn't moldy is apparently in short supply in my dorm.
Three: Making the turkey sandwich at this point would require me buying the above listed ingredients and then making the sandwich (ultimately costing more than 5 dollars and a lot more effort than I intend to put into anything tonight).

Yes, I am this lazy.

This is not the first time this has happened. Honestly if it can't be microwaved, or prepared in less than ten minutes at the stove, I tend to avoid buying it.

(You'd think sandwich ingredients would fall into this category. But given how many things I have to take out of the fridge/cupboards it's ultimately a losing battle. I actually just nixed the idea of making a PB&J sandwich because I don't want to open two jars.)

Now I'm stealing my roommate's onion rings. This is her punishment for leaving me alone and eating the remaining Doritos.

This is all just further proof I can't be left alone.

Secrets of the Library

Most of these should not be considered secrets- many of them are common sense and simply seem to be ignored. Painfully ignored.

That's why I'm going to clue you guys in on some things about dear old Carl B. Library:

* When the lights start turning off, it is a good idea to leave (or at least begin preparing for leaving).
I don't know why you'd want to be in the library when it's dark anyway. It creeps me out and I've practically lived there for three years.


* When saving a document, it is a good idea to save it to your X-drive like all the signs say to.
This will save you emotional pain caused by losing your 14-page paper that is due at 4:30 the following day and has been reduced to a 2.5-page lump of obscenities.This also saves me from becoming the enemy- I'm sorry we have Deep Freeze, but what ITS wants ITS gets.


* When scanning- you push button number 3.

That's what the sign says. That's what the background of the computer says. We made the signs pretty so you would look at them and notice the words. Words are meant to be read.


* When searching for a book/CD/DVD/record/periodical, there is this handy bit of information that says "Collection."
This is where to find this item in the library! When you tell me you cannot find the item you're looking for, know that I will be upset if you tell me you have the right collection and I go to the fourth floor only to find out that it's actually a reference book back on first floor.


* When we tell you that an item is due at a certain time, we mean it.
Really, there's no excuse for this one. If I tell you a laptop needs to be back by 11:30 or you will be fined and you bring it back at 11:53 saying that you "lost track of time," believe me when I say that I will take great pleasure in assessing you the ridiculous fine that comes with being that late.


* Just do your work!
I cannot tell you how many times people come up to students after 10pm and ask for help on their research paper that needs 15 sources (where 3 have to be primary sources, 2 significant primary sources, 5 can be online, and one must be a book, the remaining 6 can be anything so long as its not Wikipedia) and is due the next day and all they have at that point is, in fact, Wikipedia.

Reference librarians are there until 10. And if you ask them to help you with anything like what I just described, they will stare blankly and blink (and if you're lucky enough for one of them to be sick- they may actually tell you how screwed you really are).

This isn't just research questions either. Don't bring up a stack of 15 DVDs for your Monster Movie Mash-up party at 11:58 and expect Happy Library Lucy (I originally wrote Lisa here but there is a happy librarian named Lisa at Carl B.- she's awesome).


* Be nice to the workers.
This should be ridiculously simple. Like any service industry, we have to put up with crap all the time. Make our days better by being courteous and we will be infinitely nicer to you. Or, at least, I will be. I keep a point tally- the easier you make it for me one time, the nicer I am to you the next.


* Candy and small children are a permanent "In"
Seriously, bring any form of these two things and the whole staff will love you.


* You need your library card to check things out.
It's why we have them. So we can actually keep proper track of items. We all have a little OCD- don't upset this condition!


Thanks for reading. Follow these rules and we'll get along fine!