I kind of hate Food Network...

This statement is both a shameless lie and an absolute truth.

("All of the truth things I am about to tell you are shameless lies." -Cat's Cradle Thank you, Kurt, thank you...or should I thank Bokonon?)

Food Network is amazing. I get to watch people cook food and tell me interesting things. Then, I get to go pretend that I'm a fabulous chef and know "All Things Food."

There's always something enjoyable on (except between like...4 and 9am when they actually show infomercials). If I'm channel surfing, FN is definitely one of the stops I end up punching into the numbers instead of just using the channel button.

I really enjoy their competition shows because I appreciate that their winners actually get things (Next Iron Chef gets to be an Iron Chef! Next Food Network Star gets their own show! Chopped champions get $10k to do whatever they want with).

These shows are also hugely entertaining for reasons bordering on sadistic- watching all of them under pressure and stress kind of relieves me of any feelings meant to be in the same general category.

But there's a problem with this glorious lineup: It's all about FOOD!

It's impossible to watch Food Network without wanting to go on this huge eating-spree. The food all looks too damn good. You can't watch it when you're hungry- otherwise you're doomed.

But you can't watch it when you're full either, because then you kind of don't enjoy looking at food: if you're stuffed it's just flat out uncomfortable, and if you're at the "pleasantly filled" point looking at food starts edging you into that stuffed feeling.

Then, there's this sickening fact that I can never cook like them. I can follow a recipe, sure, but if I was put in a position where I had to figure out what kind of meal to whip up in like...two minutes? Yeah, not happening.

Last, but certainly not least, this channel makes me want a personal chef. I want food like they get to eat!

I know, I'm a terrible person. Here I am bitching about not getting amazing doughnuts (that's what they happen to be talking about right now) when there are people all over the planet who don't get any food, let alone good food. I'll ease my guilt later and buy some groceries for a local food pantry or something. Promise.


Anyway, I'm stuck with this dichotomy of feelings- I both love and hate this channel.