The Best of Infomercials

I have a terrible habit of watching infomercials if they're on. Ok, maybe that's a stretch, but I have the awful habit of watching four infomercials if they're on.

The four infomercials I watch are:

The Magic Bullet

The Bullet Express

The Redi-set-Go!

The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer

Each is kind of ridiculous, but aren't they all?

My favorite, by far, is the Bullet Express. The first time I watched it was by accident- the narrator happens to be a voice actor whose voice I recognized while channel-surfing.

But it's pretty much the most glorious thing ever!

"Mick and Mimi" are hosting a dinner party and their guests arrive and they haven't prepared any food! (Of course, there are two bitchy old women there to make things all ridiculous.)

Personally, I would be outraged and probably roast them up for dinner. But their guests are a bit more gracious than I am, apparently.

Because they are advertising for a "meal machine" rather than their epic Magic Bullet (which is great for small tasks like melting cheese for nachos or creating a bunch of individual beverages or desserts), they have to show some epic skills.

They make nachos, like the Magic Bullet, but f*** you if you think they're just gonna put a few clumps of cheese and a chopped up jalapeno like they did last time!

Nope, they're going to show you that this thing can frickin' grate cheese...ON TOP OF THE CHIPS!

Then! They shred chicken, tomatoes, and jalapeno on top of the cheese!

They're like "Ha! I totally just prepared a nacho platter in 30 seconds!"

See, they want you to believe they can prepare a bunch of meals in 8 minutes.

It's an impressive machine.

Then they move on to everyone's favorite: PIZZA!

"I made this dough from scratch...now watch me make some tomato sauce, grate some more cheese, and frickin' SLICE PEPPERONI on top of this thing!"

Then they make a rosemary turkey meatloaf (and put ketchup and brown sugar on top...), and potatoes au gratin (yeah, they slice the potatoes and the onions and grate more cheese they slice some veggies too...), then there's a "gourmet" salad...whatever that means.

Then they get onto the serious stuff.

Dessert!!!

Now, I love both the desserts they make: apple pie and new york style cheesecake. If I could seriously have those ready in eight minutes, I would eat it every day.

They point out some sweet things about this thing: all the shit goes directly into their containers, and it looks super easy to use, and it's dishwasher safe.

They use the word "consistency" about 15 times in half an hour.

But it's completely ridiculous to expect this to work in under 8 minutes. Mise en place fail is bound to destroy lowly not-paid users like me.

All that being said- I WANT ONE.

I want a Bullet Express, and I fully intend to own one in the future. AND I WILL REENACT THIS INFOMERCIAL.

It's stupid and ridiculous. But I love it.

And cheesecake. (The pie doesn't look quite as delicious as I expect my apple pie to look.)